If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
