bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
