so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
