k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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