guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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