you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
me + whiskey = a bad person
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize