i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We were destined to go to rehab together
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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