I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Girls should come with a carfax report
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
