Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
