Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
