How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
