I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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