Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
whose parrot is this?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
