You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
