A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
