Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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