my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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