he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
