From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
