I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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