he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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