Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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