u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
