i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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