"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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