whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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