You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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