I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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