I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
