Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
