I'm gonna have a badass scar
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize