I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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