Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
