i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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