I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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