Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
