you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Houston, we have a blender
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
