That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
