My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
