Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
