Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
