you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
