I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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