just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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