Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
