The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
