All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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