Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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