Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
