cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
