I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Send help, water and tortillas.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
