I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
