my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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