gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
