i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
