It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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