One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
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