I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize