yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
