I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
